Sour Apples – the iPod Rant

I am of the strong belief that technological products should last forever.

This is completely unrealistic. I know this. But if I'm going to invest a significant amount of money in a computer or a device, I want to do it with the assurance that said product will function for a suitable amount of time to make that investment worthwhile. What's a suitable time? Whatever I say it is. Quite frankly, if a company is to have any pride in its product, then it should be made to last. You think you're the greatest in the world? Prove it.

I'm not an Early Adopter. I like to see how things play out before I purchase what I consider to be a big ticket item. These things get better as time and technology move on and I prefer the tried and true over the flashy new.

I get the fact that tech products and gadgets are like new cars: As soon as you drive it off the lot, it starts to depreciate in value. As soon as you hook some up – well, there you go.

Ya know what? I don't care. The bugger should work and that's it.

Case in point. My laptop is now four years old. It feels like I bought it only yesterday, but OK, it's been four years. I've re-upped the warranty for its remaining available year and have a mental ticker that in another year or so, I may have to look into getting a new laptop. Plan accordingly. Of course, right away something went wrong (windows installer vanished from the hard drive ne'er to be seen again) and the long and the short of it was that I had to reset to factory settings and reload all my stuff. I didn't lose anything thanks to double, nay triple backups on flash and external drives. Which is actually how this all started: I bought an external drive to back up my hard drive. Turns out, external drives now has more memory (500 GB) than the 40 GB hard drive on my clearly antiquated laptop. My baby is still clicking along though and I'm confident (hear me computer gods? Confident) that it'll hang in there for the time being.

Which brings me to the iPod.

You may remember my unmitigated glee when I purchased my iPod last year. It was epic. I carried that iPod everywhere, loading audio books on it and listening to it in the car, while grocery shopping, standing in line at the post office, etc. You should understand that I was the girl who walked home from school reading a book (and was horribly teased for it too. Like reading is something of which to make fun). Being able to actually continue "reading" a book instead of having to leave it to do more important things simply by listening to it on my trusty iPod? Nirvana. I was even reading while walking again albeit with someone reading the story to me. I was ordering massive unabridged novels from the interlibrary loaning system (which rocks). I spent hours uploading huge tomes of novels on upwards of 48 disks. I'm talking all but one of the Harry Potter books and all but one half of Diana Gabaldon's OUTLANDER series – I'm not talking Harlequins here. And I did it with a song in my heart because I was so thrilled to listen to them on my iPod. I gorged myself on them. And then I began buying the DVD/Blue Ray 2-disc packages of newly released movies and uploading the included digital version to the iPod. Too much glee. I was totally, unequivocally in love with my iPod.

OK – there were some bumps in our relationship. It tended to freeze if I asked it to rewind too many times, and since I could never remember the button combination to restart it, I had to wait for the iPod to run out of juice and reset its self. Also, I really, really, REALLY don't like the way Apple controls how you use music and how the device links to the computer(s). For instance, when my office hard drive crashed and (I thought) I'd lost everything, I learned that you cannot transfer from the iPod to the computer – this was a one-way music street. Here though, iTunes came up to scratch and set up my purchased songs to be downloaded again. My other peeve is that even though both office and home computers are authorized to my iTunes account, I can only sync the iPod to one computer. Yes, I know, you can transfer purchases from two authorized computers, but if I'm loading my CDs onto one computer, I don't want to have to do it all over again on another one. I get the anti-piracy thing and I support it because I create stuff and I don't want anyone poaching it. But I'm not poaching, I bought this stuff and I should be able to move it around however I want it to go. Apple disagrees.

Still, all this was more irritating than deal-breaking and I know very little about DRM and personal device technology but enough to suck it up as part of the price of being a lesser being in the iPod world. Kind of like being a woman in the "modern" evangelical church.

And then the bloody thing busted.

It's only a year and 6 weeks old!

Needless to say, I was not happy. I was actually totally flabbergasted. For years, all I heard was how great apple was, how their computers never got viruses and never crashed and here my very first apple product that I was – in cannot be said strongly enough - enraptured with totally tanked.

And so I entered the Apple store zone. I zoomed up to the Rockaway mall the very next day and had the helpful scrum at its entrance confirm that it was, indeed, gone. Big honking red X in a circle on my iPod screen should have been my first hint. I asked the girl why. She said, it happens, especially on the refurbished ones. I say, oh no, this isn't a refurbished one. I bought it new off apple.com. She said, well maybe, but they've not really new. They've been sitting in the warehouse for years. I said Wha –huh? Really, quite literally, my jaw dropped and I said "Wha- huh?" Because see, I was under the impression that I'd paid all this money for A BRAND SPANKING NEW IPOD.

Essentially she couldn't even help me. Oh no. I had to make a tech appointment with one of their "geniuses" for the next day who told me that it was totally gone. So back and forth I went, sun setting and rising between my Apple store visits. Thank God – THANK GOD – I had bought the warranty. The tech "genius" offered to replace it on the spot, but I'd had it engraved and wanted the same engraving on my new one. That meant I had to leave the store and contact apple by phone. I'm convinced that their telephone customer service department is on the other side of the planet. Polite and competent as the service eventually was, given my state of mind by now, this was NOT the time to make communication problematic.

Plus my faith in Apple was completely gone. I no longer trusted that either the store or telephone customer service would actually give me a new one. By now, I'm beginning to doubt they have them at all. This distrust that was upheld when my "new" iPod arrived with a caveat note that said it may actually be a refurbished one – no guarantee that it's new. So here I thought I'd bought a new iPod and the extended warranty, which guaranteed that it would be replaced with a new hard drive should something happen only to find when push came to shove that Apple is only too happy to shove someone else's problems off onto you when fulfilling the terms of your warranty replacement.

How nice of them.

I've had the new iPod for two weeks and only now have I begun to connect it to my laptop and start loading it up. All my previous glee is gone. I've lost my urge for audio books on the iPod and have returned to the radio for in-transit entertainment. I'm back to be surly and aggressive in the supermarket derby and have returned to DVDs on the computer when I'm cooking (rare as that is) and cleaning (often equally rare).

And I am completely soured on Apple. Had I known any of this earlier, I never would have bought my sister the iNano. She is currently experience excessive iNano glee so much that I was actually considering splurging for one for myself. I haven't the heart now to burst her bubble.

Look, I expect Microsoft products to screw me. I know to stay far away from Vista. I'm prepped that my laptop has a shelf life that will never ever be as long as I need it to be. But Apple has spent years selling a type of product that doesn't exist. Maybe its computers are better constructed. Certainly a number of writing friends swear by Macintosh and their iMacs and wouldn't dream of returning to the PC world. I was considering becoming one of those people in the next one or two years.

Not anymore.

Movie Mondays: Soapbox Rant - Twilight

Let me say from the start that I really, seriously, do not like Twilight. Commence the clutching of pearls.

To be fair, I've never read the books, so it could be said that I'm forming an opinion in ignorance. But I think that I've participated in/read enough commentary and discussion to at least have a bead on things. Now, if I were the fan and someone made such a sweeping statement about a beloved book series, I'd be all "if you haven't read it, then you don't get to have an opinion."

Oh, if only the world were that fair.

Still, I felt a nagging sense that I should at least gain some – and by some, I'm mean the very least I could possibly get away with – exposure to this, and I shudder to use the word in connection with this claptrap, phenomenon.

But, there it is.

I wasn't going to spend money doing it though because I am an exceptional cheapskate. But Showtime was kind enough to debut the movie Twilight this weekend and I though, eh, why not?

Oh, how I long for those 2 hours of my life back.

It wasn't a total loss. I identified the Arizona landscape in one frame (thanks Sis!) and that's always pretty in its own barbaric way. Remember, I've never read the books, so all I knew to expect was the towering trees of the Pacific Northwest and I only knew that much thanks to the proliferate marketing campaign. So I got pretty scenery from the get go. Check.

THINGS BEYOND MY ABILITY TO ENDURE

Bella is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Really? She shows up in this small, woodsy community and her shrinking violet self is immediately targeted by the most interesting boys in the school, to the detriment of the girls that have been vying for their attention for probably ever. I get the whole "new toy" concept, but all Bella does is send off signals of "please don't realize that I exist". I'm a far stretch away from high school, but I don't remember those being particular turn-ons for the popular crowd. Also, those same girls practically embrace their apparent competition. Again, it's been awhile, but where I grew up, if some new girl instantly started pulling guys away from the herd, the resident girls would label said interloper with welcoming terms like "cold bitch" followed quickly by "freaking weirdo". That much, I do remember.

Vampires GLOW in the sunlight. Are you freaking kidding me? Look, I'm all for reinventing the genre. I think what Laurel K. Hamilton did by creating her whole Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter world around vampires being acknowledge beings who hold legal status was a genius concept and, at first, equally engrossing execution (right up to when Hamilton lost her mind and screwed up the core of Anita beyond salvation. But that's another rant.) But even in Hamilton's world, the vamps still couldn't go into the sunlight. They are creatures of darkness, cursed to forever walk the night, no longer allowed the healing grace of the sun, damned for eternity people! But not in the Twilight-verse. Here, they glow like diamonds. I call, massive, irredeemable, bloody foul. Bram Stoker is doing triple solchows in his grave.

What the hell kind of acting is that? Granted, all I've seen of Robert Pattinson is his brief spell in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but there were enough moments in Twilight where he showed signs of talent and skill to throw a big heaping spotlight on where he was just oh so bad. Much of that is the God-awful dialogue he was stuck prattling off like it had some Legends of the Fall level of angst. And I think the directing had a lot to do with it too. Plus, this sucker was churned out lickity-split to capitalize on Twilight fervor.

But still. Come on! Many of the articles I read when the film was released spouted off about how committed Pattinson was into getting Edward's emotional struggle and conflict, how he wasn't sleeping, how he was as torn as his character in some moments. Whahuh? I'm sorry to say, darling, but it really didn't pay off. Also, why are you making such contortions to your face? Is this your director-guided idea of emotional dilemma? Or are you digesting something poorly? AB negative, perhaps?

And don't get me started on Kristen Stewart. I can give pity points for inexperience, and I'm even willing to allow that this may actually be a job well done where she's created a character that is just so very bland as that's probably how she was originally written. It seems in keeping with the poor characterization I've been told is in the novel. But the pursing lips, open mouth, heaving breaths is straight out of the Keira Knightly school of acting (who I usually like, for the most part) and is not the template young actress should be following these days.

Complete lack of romantic chemistry or entanglement. OK, I remember enough of being a teenager to realize that the anticipation is really what winds girls up. But still, these two have the romantic chemistry of a pair of gnats. Really, it's just annoying. And for all the climbing of trees and the walking through woods we get one kiss and an eventual "no, don't touch!" response from Edward. Too much of their "relationship" is built in montage with romantic music overlaid so that we can't actually hear what they're saying. But it doesn't matter! She's Mary Sue – er – blessed Bella! He's her immortal, undead, tortured lover. Who can't stand the smell of her. Oh-kay.

Bella's voiceover. Lady, you're blandness has already a nonentity as far as I'm concerned. I already have to endure you on the screen to watch pretty, pretty Robert. Why would I want to hear what's rattling around in your head as well?

Jasper is a new "vegetarian" vampire. Which is why it makes perfect sense to send him off with the human to be her protection. Uh huh.

Peter Facinelli is blonde. I suspect this is again dictated by the characterizations in the novel, but it made this prime example of a smoldering man into a pale, blonde, boob. Which leads me to -

The most neutered vampires I have ever seen. I respect the fact that this particular group of the fanged variety is especially dedicated to not feeding off humans. But they are otherworldly creatures; surely there should be some sense of dread or threat beyond a fixed gazed on a bleeding hand. I guess this is because they glow. Again, faulty children, I refer you to Buffy season three, and the palpable fear and menace regularly created by The Mayor without a single drop of blood.

Sudden Big Bad comes out of nowhere for a compressed anticlimactic ending. Yeah they were there from the beginning, James, Victoria, and some abominable version of La Croix, picking off those poor, unwary and unworthy ancillary characters. Obviously, any guy who'd give little bottles to the kids when playing Santa deserves to be the prey of blood-sucking fiends? (We're all agreed that those were little liquor bottles, right?) None of our vegetarian vampires are really troubled by this, beyond the concern that these outsiders are trespassing on their territory and might be exposing our resident brood. But suddenly, poor blessed Bella is in danger from some vampiric whelp who's just met her, and it's all hands on deck. And it's not like she holds the key to the universe or will give birth to the ultimate vampire killer, or discovered The Key or whatever. It's only for the sport of it.

James, let me introduce you to Spike, an actually bad ass vampire who scared the piss out of me right up till he got neutered, but that wasn't till around season five, so you've a wealth of material as example. He even sniffs better than you. Hey, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, except when it sucks. Go undo your hair and be a good boy. Oh, wait, you're dead already because being undead doesn't mean that a girl can't break your neck before tearing your body to pieces and throwing those pieces into a fire. Or so we're told.

Not one single flash of fang. What kind of vampires are they? FOUL!!!

Despite this vitriol, there were a few things that I did actually like. Really, I'm as surprised as you are.

The baseball game. I really enjoyed watching the vamps play together like the family the purported to be. It showed their history together and their affection. Why couldn't we have more of that? Also more Elizabeth Reaser!

Edward's alpha strut through the high-school parking lot. Oh yeah, he's the man. He's got the blessed Bella on his arm. And he's having fun.

Robert Pattinson is an exceptionally attractive man, mostly, to my eyes, because his features are so unique and striking. It makes the contortions he utilized to exude emotional strain all the more disturbing, but it also makes him – dare I say it – glow when he's not trying so hard and when he's just having fun.

The apple trick. Nifty. Those English soccer skills pay off, huh Robert?

Sex, money, sex, money, cat. A genuine "Hee" for that, increased by the priceless expression on the cat man's face. Though that, for once, was a little scary in a weird way.

Bella's "friends". The quotes are because they don't really seem to be her friends off campus. Srrsly, no one seems to call her at night to chat, they don't hang out at the diner together, she's only ever on the phone with her mom. Any other woman would get the rap of thinking she's too good for them. But not our blessed Bella. The little group at Forks High School have a good time together and constantly, despite blessed Bella's pathological constant rejection of them, invite her to be a part of their fun-loving, exuberant group. Your loss lady.

The wolves: I am a downright sucker for good foreshadowing. I compulsively have to know what is going on, so any time even the hint of a deeper, continuing story is thrown out there I am compelled to carry on just to find out What Happened. So all those little moments with Jacob and his father, the drive by glare-off, the "I leave you alone for two minutes and the wolves descend" double entendre. I like it. I like the promise it shows and I'm sad for all the dropped opportunity it exhibits. This time, it's our loss.

I think there could be a fine story in here somewhere, but it so covered by the treacle and the failures that I couldn't even tell where to begin. I certainly don't see why it's engendered so much lavish devotion in its fan base.

Or maybe I can. Look, I was nearly in fits over The Outsiders in my day, and spent gobs of money on repeat viewings of Top Gun, Ferris Bueller, Sixteen Candles, Pretty and Pink – you get the idea. So I can relate. Sense rarely intervenes in this kind of devotion and I wouldn't have it any other way. But I do take onus with the quality. This is a feature film. It should call out all the stops, regardless of its source material. And when a good season finale of Buffy
the Vampire Slayer (I'll pull out season three here again because it rocks) can deep-six this entire movie for physical, emotional, and storytelling commitment, I'm totally in the dark as to what generates the fervor that surrounds this franchise.

Even if it glows.