Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Not Polish for Nothin'

Summer has slammed into New Jersey like damn and wow with all three Hs - hazy, hot, and humid - in full account. All I have to do is take one step out of my personal wind tunnel created by cross-posted fans and I'm awash in a perpetual coating of sweat. Lovely.
It's better in October!

Thus I enter the hair dryer-free portion of my calendar year when I pin up my bangs and roll down my windows and let nature and 75 mph on route 287 dry my hair for me instead. But the rest of me still has to get out of the apartment in a reasonably presentable state for the day job.

Yesterday morning, I grabbed my necklace and sandals and immediately plopped myself in the wind tunnel to cool down from that massive exertion. Needing both hands for sandal wrangling, I put the necklace on the bed behind me. I mean, how far could it go?

Pretty dang far, because the irksome thing vanished. Poof! Like some pissed off brownie swept in and snatched it. Honestly, I was so baffled, I spent about .5 of a second seriously considering that possibility. Hollis, perched on the end of the bed purring as she does during my morning ablutions (how did I wind up with a morning cat?!), couldn't be bothered to care, though she was not happy when I shifted her to see if perhaps her ample belly had smothered my necklace when I wasn't looking.

Commence ten frustrated, increasingly sweaty minutes of looking for the stupid thing. I had to decamp without it as I needed to hit the grocery store on my way in to the office for the week's provisions. I went to the store, got to the day job, and proceeded through my morning set up routine. En route to the office kitchen to toast my bagel, I felt something dangling down my leg.

Yup, it was my necklace, which had managed to hook itself on and around the button of my trouser pocket. The back pocket. On my butt cheek.

This means that I sat on it whilst driving, walked around the store with it dangling from my rear, and ditto during the long walk from my car to my desk.

I am not Polish for nothin'.

My boss bravely performed de-butting duties, laughing like a loon all the while. When relaying this story to my friend, she stopped me to point out that somewhere along the way, I'd also lost an earring! (Later found on the floor of my office.) If ever there was a day a should've stayed in bed...

Maybe this is the beginning of a new jewelry line - charms and jewels to adorned the buttocks. Dangling chains to shape and accentuate the gluteus maximus. 'Cause that's the part of my anatomy to which I really want to call attention!

I ended up in the office kitchen guffawing as my bagel toasted, wondering what the rest of my day would bring, how it would ever top this, and whether I'd survive if it did.

Honestly, you can't make this stuff up.


  1. Heehee, classic. Next time, just work it, girl. Butt jewelry could become a thing, totally.

    1. Snort. If I wasn't worried about crushing it, I would've left it dangling and see you noticed and who of those had the guts to say something about it! Though I may be onto something here. Could dangle down and wrap around the thigh like a disabled chastity belt...

  2. Fancy!

    I'm sure there will soon be starlets who adorn their booties with gem-encrusted geegaws to liven up their dull $700 blue jeans. You're a trendsetter!

    1. Right?! Forget the bedazzled va jay jay, it's the tuchus jewels that are all the rage now!!

  3. Just what we all need - a disabled chastity belt... I do think I should be hanging charms from unusual parts of my body. For some reason I'm thinking they would protect me from having to return to work in the fall. If only because someone stuck me in the loony bin.

    1. Pierced nipples are so last century...

      Who are you tryin' to kid, Kate? We're all already in the loony bin!

  4. Leona May 30, 2012 1:15 PM

    hahahahahaha LOLOL er, I'm not laughing at you.

    Bedazzled? hahahahaha... sorry but I'd have had a stroke laughing if I were your boss...

    I'm still laughing.

    PS that is something I've done, sans the boss part, but my necklace broke.

    1. My twitchy finger clicked DELETE accidentally, Leona, so I cut and pasted your comment as "Anonymous"

      She was laughing pretty hard and then told her friends about it and they laughed too. I mean, you can't trust just anyone to de-dangle your butt...

    2. LOLOL Not everyday you get to de-tangle a butt... hmmm... Did she make any cracks about it??? *so many jokes*